I hold three opinions about the NFL.
The first is that I hate the Denver Broncos more than any other team. Why? Because after two years of commuting to work on I-25, the cars that cut me off were always twerpy Imprezas and immoderately sized Yukons with their back windows fully covered with Broncos stickers and decals. Whenever I see the logo, I’m back in Denver, back in traffic, back in five-lane hell.
The second is that Marshawn Lynch is:
the best thing to happen to the NFL
a national treasure
a huge personal inspiration that I look to for spiritual guidance
And at the risk of pissing off the hometown friends, here’s the third: the Kansas City “Chiefs” are problematic.
I think a lot of people don’t disagree but in a casual sort of way. It doesn’t leave a bad taste in their mouths; it’s more like drinking the water in a new city. Not quite comfortable, but it's bearable. And growing up in Kansas, the Chiefs always had a cringe reputation. Obnoxious fans with the very cringe “chop.”
So it’s problematic? You say. What else would we do? Is it so bad that we should spend millions designing a new logo and creating new sportswear, inevitably sending all the unsold product to landfills and impoverished children across the globe? Is it worth making everyone buy new shit?
I don’t know, is it?
Oh wait, yeah, it is.
But there is another option: You keep the name. And you change everything about it.
What? you ask. How does that even work?
I’ll tell ya.
If we want a mascot that’s really representative of Kansas City, why not look to the rich abundance of Kansas City and Johnson County. What are these Kansas and Missouri communities known for? What feels emblematic?
The corporation.
And who best represents the corporation?
The Chief Executives.
That’s right. The Kansas City Chiefs.
No no no, you say. What the hell? What the actual hell, Steve?
…
Hear me out.
Name stays the same. When you say Kansas City Chiefs, you’re still talking about the same team, same people. Sure you need a new logo. And sure you need to rename some stuff. But it gets so much cooler. As they say in corporate America, let’s find some strategic alignment:
“Arrowhead Stadium”? Problematic. Dumb. Blech!
Instead, call it something sick like The Boardroom. Powerful. Inoffensive. Rich.
Come August, when teams start showing up to Kansas City to play games: ‘round here in KCMO, we call that Layoff Season, baby.
Bring in some pouty old geezer as the new mascot, a sort of Donald Trump caricature. Or better yet, just keep the wolf, but give him a suit and tie. Now he’s the goddamn Wolf of Wall Street.
TechN9ne shows up to games in $10,000 suits. Throw in some corny shit about how people with box seats are in the C-suite suites. Call touchdowns a core competency—I don’t know, I’m just spitballing.
For years, I have resisted supporting the Kansas City Chiefs. But if they implemented this? Oh yeah. I’m in. I’ll be your biggest fan. I’ll be the new version of that dude who robbed banks to pay for his fandom.
Kansas City, it’s time.
Let’s reorg this shit.
As part of the substack focus group you're running this idea by... I vote in favor.